Nonfiction | End It Now?

You can do this!

I love being busy. I love a drama. I get bored easily. However, I also used to get very stressed easily and panicked and overwhelmed with the juggling of balls. Then my energy and my vibrations got negative and as I emanated negativity out so the negativity came back to me. As a consequence that […]

I love being busy. I love a drama. I get bored easily. However, I also used to get very stressed easily and panicked and overwhelmed with the juggling of balls. Then my energy and my vibrations got negative and as I emanated negativity out so the negativity came back to me. As a consequence that negativity caused problems and obstacles in life which then caused me more stress. Does that make sense? what you give out to the universe you get back basically. This happened frequently to me.

Now, this is when my regular meditation practices are so amazing for me. That 10 minutes of calm and reflection every morning when I wake up and listening to my self-hypnosis at night as I sleep and it all really helps with clarity and focus. I am calmer and more thoughtful now. A friend asked me recently:

“are you dead?”

I didn’t understand.

My friend clarified:

“What’s happened to you? you don’t get angry as much, you just don’t shout and get so furious with life anymore!”

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with juggling balls and having several projects on the go at one time. The vital factor though is how we deal with it all. I do regular meditation. I’ve had counselling and I had my energy cleared out. I also did a course in mindfulness and that moved me more than anything. Standing under an apple tree and inhaling the scent of the leaves and focusing on the gharly branches and just “being” in the summer sun was an insanely wonderful experience that really changed me! I’m still as crazy and dizzy and adventurous but I’m calmer with it.

Some people love to just have an easy life with a regular routine day in and day out perhaps in the town they were born into, the town where they met their partner, the town where they married in, the town where their families live, the town where their children are schooled, where their friends are. They have a regular job and they have predictability and stability and familiarity. Perhaps they go on holiday once or twice a year to the usual places where they’ve been before, seeing the same faces year after year. I think that’s fabulous and perhaps a small part of me dreams about having that and if it makes people happy we shouldn’t knock it.

For me though, that predictable life would kill me! I thrive on adventure and meeting many new people every day, going on holiday to places I’ve never been before on the other side of the world to learn about a new culture and eating weird food where you don’t even recognise whether it was a stinger or a quacker or a swimmer! I was born in a big city, grew up in a smaller city, went to uni in another big city, moved to another city where I met my ex husband and got married abroad on top of a mountain and now live in a small town miles away from where I was born. My family are scattered all over the UK. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen in 6 months time and actually I find that really exciting. I could be involved with a new man, in love and enjoying life and making new friends. I could still be single but still happy to be so and still enjoying life and meeting even more new people.

I just couldn’t bear to look at my life in 6 months time and think: Yes, I know exactly what is going to be happening in 6 months, where I’ll be living, who I’ll be with and who I’ll be socialising with. Life’s an adventure and I will always grab that hand and fly off with it. My security blanket are my friends and my priority is my son though. My friends are dependable and reliable and I couldn’t bear to not have them in my life. They just raise their eyes and love me for who I am! And my son is paramount in everything – his security and his own happiness dominates my decisions.

So, at the moment, I am having my kitchen done up. It is literally a building site with dust EVERYWHERE! Plasterers and electricians and plumbers have been traipsing in and out daily for a week. My big fridge is standing in the middle of the room, workmen working around it. Dust sheets over the floor etc. My temporary kitchen is now in my living room where I have a small space on my dining table to prep non-oven meals and make tea. My electric soup maker is amazing and my slow cooker is on overtime!. All my kitchen equipment, food, plates, everything is in boxes and boxes piled up. I have no sink either so have to go up to the bathroom to fill the kettle and wash up plates in the bath!! I laugh about it because I know it’s only temporary and when my new kitchen is in place it will look incredible!

I’ve had a few friends and relatives look at my temporary kitchen with the dust-hell and towers of boxes of my food and equipment and just gasp and say “I couldn’t live like this!” but I shrug. It’s life. You want the heaven then you have to put up with the hell for a bit first. That’s life. So, as I said above, the vital factor is: how we deal with it all.

As well as my kitchen being done up, I am also on the first stages of another project which I can’t talk about too much at the moment as I’m very superstitious. I find if you start telling everybody about something that hasn’t actually happened yet, often that thing never gets off the ground. It can be really disappointing then. I don’t like to tempt fate or whatever. So you’ll hear about it all in good time. However, it’s taking alot of planning and organising to get it going. More so because I’m 150 miles away from my hometown where this project is going to be taking place. There are a million phonecalls to make, logistics, internet shopping and deliveries to coordinate, lists I’m ticking off, I’ve enlisted the help of two friends who are assisting me so I’m making lists for them too and there is manual work to do to implement this project. It’s so exciting but also this project is a bit…..“if it works great and if it doesn’t then revert back to what it is now”. I’m making all this effort on a risk. But that’s life. You have to take risks and put the effort in. Sometimes things pay off and sometimes they don’t. It hasn’t always worked out…….

As well as these two projects on the go, I work from home selling vintage homewares online. I am in discussions with someone who’s going to help me do my website and I’m having to re-list all my stock on ebay as annoyingly ebay only holds your selling items for 60 days. A lesson learnt for me there. Every day is a lesson! I’m in the throes of updating my FB site and tweaking it a bit too. Another ball to juggle.

I have a family member who has a health issue and I have employed someone to look after them in my absence. Every week I am in discussions regarding the relative’s health progressions or medication or emotional problems they’re having. I will need to make calls to solve issues, liaise, calm nerves or discuss financial matters. It’s all organised and my relative is in excellent hands. It is part of my pie chart of regular activities though.

So, what I’m saying here is just don’t panic. Breathe it out. Everything gets sorted in the end.

I have a schedule for myself on the wall. 7 days of my week are apportioned to being a mother or working on my business or dealing with my other activities. It focus’ me and keeps me sane. Some people have seen my schedule on the wall and have laughed out loud or said “what the hell is that?!” but don’t you have a schedule at work? or at college? or if you’re planning a big event? what’s the difference? it helps me.

Basically, this blog today is really about breathing and keeping calm. Believe me, I’ve been at the lowest I can be, really deciding that I don’t want to be on this planet anymore. But I’m thankfully still here and really happy now and I’ve learnt SO much from the choices and decisions I’ve made – and not all of them were good! Life isn’t wonderful. It can be really really shit but you have to find your own method of dealing with it.

How do you deal with life? what are your coping mechanisms? a fight? scream in someone’s face? how did that work out? slam doors so it breaks? wall of silence? did that silence help? go to bed and hide away and hope it just vanishes? do your methods above help resolve issues?

Reach out and enlist the help of your best friend. Break down and say to someone “please help me”. Do a Pro and a Con list. Get proactive! Find professional help. Meditate and breathe….. There is alot of criticism about just sitting and meditating and listening to your inner voice. “you hippy!” “omg! what a load of rubbish!” But there is also a hell of a lot to be gained from it.

Whether you have a wonderfully predictable, stable, loving life or a hectic, emotional, negative life, there will always be a spanner thrown at your head at some point. Find your calm inside. Find the solution. Just sit and close your eyes and breathe. The answer will come to you.

Peace and love x