Change

For borderlines, change is good. We are rolling stones. Stay in one place too long  and you get complacent. Get complacent and the mind is allowed to feel satisfied. Once the mind slips into the comfortable state of satisfaction, the demons are free to play. Their screams louder than ever. So I have to DO […]

For borderlines, change is good. We are rolling stones. Stay in one place too long  and you get complacent. Get complacent and the mind is allowed to feel satisfied. Once the mind slips into the comfortable state of satisfaction, the demons are free to play. Their screams louder than ever. So I have to DO something. That something is often just an unexpected, most definitely unwarranted, outburst of rage and anger over the smallest issue. This turns the whole house on it’s head, even the dog sits on the couch and shivers, but it disrupts my mind and the complacency. I wish I didn’t act this way. I wish there was a way to stop it, but at this point in my life it has become almost like clockwork. My wife has a 6th sense about her. She can sense it coming a few days before it happens and attempts to prevent, or at least, prolong the complacency. She has learned, over the years and tears, that nothing can stop it. It is GOING to happen.

My family and I are starting a new chapter in our lives next month. After 40 years of life in the state of Pennsylvania, we are uprooting and moving to Georgia with hopes that a better climate (western PA gets no sun and it snows until late April!) and more financial opportunities will turn things around for my mental health. While the thought of this bounces in my head like watching the EQ on a stereo, I am in constant alert. The stress of moving, packing the truck, making sure the truck makes it down in time, being without our things for a week, staying with relatives in GA until our move in date into our new home, being close to Atlanta, changing licenses and addresses and enrolling my kids in school. In the meantime, I will be starting summer semester 1 in my Master’s Program so I will be attempting to do Master’s level material, pack, move, unpack, set-up, all at the same fucking time. The physical act of change is good, getting their is making my demons scream YOU WILL FAIL.

My wife’s biggest fear is not our house never selling in PA. It isn’t the kids adjusting to a new school. It isn’t us adjusting from a small town country life to a suburb of a big city life. It is one thing: nothing will change with me. I will be as miserable in GA as I am now in Pennsylvania. Yes, the first few months might be cool, she thinks, but then the complacency will set in and I will be the miserable fuck that can be all too often. My fears are too many to list, but I also fear my borderline not getting any better. I fear my children turning out to be exactly like me. I fear not finding employment that suits me or settling for something instead of reaching for my dreams. I fear failure, as failure is the boderline’s worst enemy. I simply CANNOT fail. 

My spring semester has ended and I maintained my 4.0 GPA. That brought me happiness for five minutes. Summer 1 starts June 4th and we are driving down June 5th. I will find a way to maintain my 4.0 GPA, even if it means packing my desktop in my truck and using the relatives internet with my wireless the seven days we are with them. Why do I kill myself for a 4.0 when it does nothing for me eternally? I watch other students churn out C and B work all the time and that angers me and I have no idea why. I don’t know them. Their grades do not mean shit to me, but the thought of it makes my heart race, my eyes twitch, the anger build.

Be positive. Positive things happen to positive people. I know all the slogans and tag lines and what I am supposed to do. But is it true? Do positive things really happen to positive people? 

Change is coming. I am excited, as I always am for change. Shut the fuck up demons…not right now. Just hold out one more day.