No longer hostage to the vestigial ballast of our former master, we were free to chase whatever fancied our opposable whims.
Perhaps, we were underestimating ourselves, placing blinders on our starry eyes, giving a floor to a well of dreams that should be depthless. We’d forgotten the promise our anatomy held.
We’re thumbs, Damit.
We’re the evolutionary boon on which all of human civilization rest. Without us there would be no Great Pyramids, Roman gladiators would look to a thumbless Ceaser and sit in frozen suspense, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would remain a blank canvas, there would be Sistine Chapel period, no Great Wall, no Stonehenge, not even a grass hut in the dirt, no nothing.
Then in a dizzying blur of flashes, we saw our highest potential realized. We did it all, no desire was left unimagined or unfilled. We would bring world peace to the international community through a series of strategic planned handshakes, an impossible feat without us. We would write the next great American novel via text. The other digits no longer in our way, we would rewrite all the classics too, incorporating emojis to reignite the popular imagination of the next generation’s young readers. It was the best of times J, it was the worst of times L…We would win the Olympic gold in a new category of wrestling.We would follow our wanderlust and thumb rides on foreign roads to faraway lands. We would satisfy scores of gorgeous women from every continent with a writhing pleasure that would make them forget the male anatomy all together, effectively curbing the world’s ballooning population, ending world hungry, and saving the black rhino from certain extinction. In short, we would reinvent the Kama Sutra for opposable digits.
Of course, we would eventually grow old, all must. And so we would sell the movie rights to our life to inspire other to our greatness. A-list actors hungry for Oscar buzz would feud over the privilege to portray us. Ultimately, due to our creative difference with the studio the biopic would never be made. However, years after our passing, the executors of our estate, our children, would sell the rights to Lifetime. Christian Slater would star in the dual-lead. It would be the most commercially successful made-for-television-movie ever produced. The film would be entitled Two Thumbs Up, the epitome of the type of low hanging thumb humor, which we despised in life. Our legacy would be tarnished. We could see ourselves in the black of our very small coffins rolling over.
But then we came to. Above us the sterile white light returned.All our dreams were bleached from our memories and we discovered we were trapped, constrained by a rigid prison. A surgical cast. It dawned on us. What we thought was a transplant was actually a simple reattachment. Our broad horizons, our endless opportunities, our infinite potential all collapsed into a familiar singularity named Chet, an elderly man who farmed soybean. It came back to us. Our leathery existence spent making holes in the dirt. But as unromantic as it was, it was comfortable. Dreaming was hard. Perhaps, life is easier simply being green.