Columns | My Future, My Fertility

What I Did for the Chance to Have a Baby Someday

I flew to Taiwan the year I turned thirty-six, a trip I’d booked solely for the purpose of freezing my eggs.

This is My Future, My Fertility, a monthly column in which Karissa Chen wrestles with her questions about fertility, motherhood, and future-planning after thirty-five.

to miss and mourn someone who doesn’t exist.


Thank god I don’t have a flat stomachMaybe more fat means less pain!

yesyes I don’t want this.I am ready for this, I am willing to do all of this.

I wish I had done this sooner, I wish I had done acupuncture and taken Chinese medicine to help my fertility, I wish I had drank protein shakes, I wish I had forced myself to eat more meat.


What I hope you know is that even when I was miserable and exhausted, I always thought, I would do this again. I want you to know how much I wanted you.

Look how much I suffered to have youyou.

I can’t possibly ever do this again, I don’t think I can bear itBut I would do this again, I would spend all my money, I would inject myself with all these shots, if only it means I can have a baby.

Look how happy they are, how wonderful it isThat could be me someday, bringing my baby to show the doctorThose couples did IVF together because they could. What if I never get to be them?

Despite how grateful I was to have this option at all, I felt so isolated—emotionally, I was walking this path alone.


beThat’s it, That’s the egg that will be my baby.