Catapult Alumni | Nonfiction

Walk the Moon

The distance and the difference between us is just illusion

Is the world awakening? It seems like the filth has risen to the surface to be scraped away. 

My parents recently left for India for two months. Now, this may seem strange to you, but at 38, I am really close to my parents. I live on the same property as my mother, and my father and sister live 5 miles away on a virtually parallel farm. I have surrendered to making peace with and loving my mother deeply in my adult life despite spending my teens and twenties in much adversity with her. I suffer from a mental illness, and early on she seemed to just complicate things. Seven years ago I moved away from the property I currently live on because I was not ready to be so close to her very strong energy. I did much deep inner work and transformation to be able to move onto this property two plus years ago. Due to housing issues on my small, but very privileged, island I had no choice but to secure a home renting from my very own mother.

For many reasons this was pertinent. But it is possible that the intense change in my life led to a psychotic break in the spring of 2016, amongst many other lendings. Since this breakdown, which was my first since nine years prior when I moved to this small island, my life forever changed. Hormones, medications, age, has all affected my ability to work a job, though I have dabbled in this recently at our local library.

Returning to the fact that my mother contains an energy, a force, that has always been there for me to reckon with… when she left for India a few days ago, I experienced a traumatic experience at the very same moment her airplane ripped over the Atlantic. Though this may seem outlandish, new age-ish, and impossible, I believe I experienced a split from her psychically as she traveled far away. Why this happened over the Atlantic Ocean, I do not know.

I am very connected to my mother psychically. I call her every morning, and she watches as my car comes and goes from the property. This may seem strangely co-dependant, or basically a pain in the ass at 38, but our connection means more to me than any understanding beyond that. So, even though it is painful to have her rip away from me energetically, I have to learn to live without her as she is 70 years old, albeit very healthy. Also, after the initial breakdown when they leave and travel so far (which has always seemed to occur over the last fifteen or even twenty years), I emerge into a journey where I am reminded what it means to be living my own life, completely independent of my parents. I still have my sister for support, but it is good and refreshing to be forced into this adult way of experiencing life.

No matter how much I love and need my mommy, no matter how she guides my dreams and protects me, I need to learn to live alone, independently. I am not alone, or so I am reassured. We will see. We will see.