Home.

Is that where I belong?

“Do you feel it too?” she murmured, as they quietly strolled down the deserted street. The somber, thick clouds above her played hide and seek with the sun, threatening to shower down on them. The dreadful thought of a cold, wet night ahead left her trembling, rain was always the uninvited guest that caused havoc in her life. A desperate howl of a crying dog could be heard in the distance, she really hoped that the dog wouldn’t find its way to her – she was terrified. Dogs reminded her of the savage monsters that resided deep within.

“Feel what?” He questioned.

The savage animals in her own mind coaxed her to open up and spill the beans. But she needed to know if he could be trusted, if he was going to be able to understand who she was; a girl who was always looking elsewhere for acceptance. She was simply a product of the trophy generation being hit hard by the reality of the real world.

He glanced at her, following her fixed gaze at the dirt road that lay ahead. Her beady eyes held a blank expression, he searchingly looked at her face for some answers. Years of desperate yearning to find herself had left lines across her beautiful face, each line represented a different struggle and together they created a map across her face that he ached to interpret one day.

After a moments pause, She finally whispered “trapped.”

Hearing her own voice say the word out loud was terrifying. In the midst of a gloomy monsoon evening where humidity was at its peak, a shiver went down her spine. Her body temperature seemed to mimic the confusion in her mind. On one hand, pearls of sweat beaded her forehead, on the other, her hands were now frozen icicles.

In a culture like theirs, there was no time to think about the self. The self did not even exist in this society they called home. Life here was all about others; family, friends, co-workers, employees and even the poor that marked each nook and corner of the city. In a country of a billion people, there was no time to think about yourself. It was easier to look and find another person here, then it was to find oneself.

He held her hand tightly and squeezed it. A burning desire to finally understand her awakened within him, a desire so tempestuous that he forgot all about why he had come to see her in the first place. She cleared her throat and Her slender hands found their way to His. His fingers fit perfectly in the gaps between hers.

This was the quietest spot in this vivacious city, yet, her mind was booming with a million noises. The road ahead was lined with lots of make shift shops that sold bangles of all shapes, sizes and colors. All the women displayed their bangles with the utmost pride, as if they were their most prized possessions. Not once did she stop to peek at a single one.

So many questions raced through his mind, he was a little worried and very concerned. She wasn’t just his best friend, She was his lifeline. He let out a sigh, unsure of how to answer. He felt as if he was walking on a tight rope, holding onto for dear life. A single wrong answer could just throw him off balance.

Slowly, she untangled her fingers from his and slipped her hands into the pockets of her pink velvet jacket. Feebly, she smiled at him. She knew she really stressed him out, but she couldn’t tell anyone else.

“Trapped” She repeated “not physically trapped of course, but in an emotional kind of way.”

She looked up towards the sky, hoping that the clouds would part and show her the way. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows arched in a manner that made her look like a stern school teacher. A light breeze blew her poker straight, auburn hair in all directions and she struggled to get the strands out of her eyes. Quietly, a tiny tear escaped from the conner of her eyes and trickled down her cheek. 

“Trapped, like you cant breathe despite all this air around you.

Trapped, like the world has become one dark room and it’s slowly closing in on you.

Trapped, like I’m struggling to stay afloat in this deep ocean, ”

He looked straight ahead. Not sure how to respond to this. He always knew the right things to tell her, to comfort her. However, today no amount of words seemed to suffice. She looked more lost than usual.

In the distance she could see the evasive sun was finally setting. As it left to go someplace else, she could not help but wonder what tonight’s darkness would bring with it. As a child she loved bedtime, but soon enough she met the monsters that awaited her. They hid all day long under her bed, however, the minute her head hit the pillow they were ready to attack. Up above, the clouds became denser and hung low in the sky.

The buzz of her phone broke their silence.

“I know how you feel-” He tried to sympathize

“No, actually you have no idea how this feels.” With each word, her cheeks become more crimson and her throat felt more parched. “It’s like each limb in your body is being pulled in all directions. It’s miserable. All I want to do is feel at home, feel comfortable and feel secure.”

He gulped.

How could she not feel at home, while at home? He wondered.