Flash The Baby Carrier Built for Men: FAQs for Commando™
Our desert-night camouflage pattern may bring back memories of the flak you donned in Bagdad.
Content note: This flash fiction story contains descriptions of wartime violence, including the death of a child.
Q: What are your carriers made of?
Our carriers are made with 100 percent linen and linen-blend fabrics.
Q: What colors do your carriers come in?
Our Happy Carriers™ come in pink, baby blue, and magenta. We’ve also rolled out our new Commando™ line for stay-at-home dads. This rugged, battle-tested collection comes in tiger stripe, tactical assault, and desert-night camouflage patterns.
Q: Are the dyes used in your fabrics safe?
Yes, our dyes are 100 percent nontoxic. But the desert-night camouflage pattern may bring back memories of the flak you donned in Bagdad. When you step inside Kroger, Junior strapped to your chest, the aisles may stretch infinitely in all directions. The lights may feel too bright, the air conditioner too cold. You may need to clutch the wall for balance as the flashbacks sear through your skull: the darting shadows, the enraged roars of your CO, the warm frag in your hand.
Q: What are the advantages of carrying your baby?
There are a few main benefits of carrying your baby:
Babies need skin contact (especially premature babies).
Practical convenience: Your hands are free.
It strengthens the parent-child bond. In Bagdad, you obliterated this sacred connection with the pull of a pin. You had to clear the house—couldn’t send Lenny and Caveman into an ambush. Still, the memories haunt you. You see the unnamed mother lying motionless on the floor. She stares through you, her left eye replaced with a shard of shrapnel. An infant sobs in her arms, but you can barely hear it. Your ears are still ringing. Your CO slaps your back as her blood pools at your feet.
Comfort. This is something the Iraqi baby will never again know. But why shouldn’t your child have the best?
Q: Do your carriers have an ergonomic design?
Our carriers seat your baby in what is known as the “M-position,” where the bottom is lower than the knees and the hips are spread open. This ensures your newborn’s hips and spine are developing properly as you unleash guttural shrieks in the cereal aisle before a throng of onlookers. Our carriers also support your baby’s legs, so they don’t dangle while you spew vomit onto the Lucky the Leprechaun display.
Q: Where are your carriers made?
In the US of A—greatest country in the goddamn world. That’s what they told you in basic, when you were young, naive, and freshly buzzed. Only now, after years of therapy, can you see how they conditioned you like a drooling mongrel. Your M16 was not a rifle—it was an extension of your body. An appendage that shot white-hot loads of freedom and justice. Night after night, you polished its long, hard barrel, visions of stars and stripes dancing through your head.
Q: How do your carriers compare to others on the market?
From the padded headrest to the hidden pocket, our baby carriers have all the features you need, but with a minimal design. And, thanks to our luxurious linen fabrics, our carriers are 30 to 50 percent lighter than others on the market. But even this weight will be too much to bear when the cereal aisle begins to spin.
All at once, you feel your legs give out beneath you. You try to fall on your back, but you’re so goddamn dizzy you don’t know which way that is. As your vision fades, it’s no longer Junior strapped to your chest—it’s the Iraqi baby. You can’t look away from his face—from the mangled flesh, the exposed jawbone, the oozing pig nose. He unleashes a cry, the same anguished wail that haunts your dreams, that shoots you awake in the dead of the night, panting and drenched in sweat. You hoped that raising Junior would help you forget him. Would somehow wipe the slate clean. But now you see the truth: You’ll carry the Iraqi baby with you for the rest of your life, until the strain breaks your back.