Personal Records You Aren’t Proud Of

But deserve recognition

Least  Number of Hours Taken to Bleed Through “Super” Tampon

Least Time Waiting for Amy’s Organic Instant Indian Dinner to Cool After Taking it Out of the Microwave Before Deciding to Just Eat It

Greatest Number of Times Reheating Same Cup of Coffee Between Forgetting to Drink It

Great number of people with the last names Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coff/Bag, or NewYorkerTote Saved to Your Contacts

Most Re-used Single-use Contact Lenses

Rawest Pasta Consumed Straight Out of Boiling Water

Oldest Milk

Number of Calls From Your Grandpa You’ve Forgotten to Return Even Though He Calls You Every Three Nights and Sent You Money So You Could Afford to Pay Your Taxes

Height of Piled “Pre-Approved Credit Cards” on Your “Work From Home” Desk That is Really Just a Wasteland for Unpaid Medical Bills

Tallest Tower of Take-out Containers

Longest Time You’ve Avoided Seeing Roommates Not Because You Dislike Them But Because You Think They Can Smell the Number of Mugs You’ve Accumulated in You Room On Your Skin

Most Kinds of Instant or Organic Ground Coffee Languishing on Kitchen Shelf From Multiple Efforts to be Frugal and Make Your Own Damn Coffee

Most Guilt

Number of Sesame Seeds Trapped in Your Sheets From Your Self-Care Brunch in Bed

Most Blood Stains on Pillowcase from Picking Your Zits in Your Sleep

Length of Time Since Sheets Last Washed

Amount of Time Since You Last Did Work That Satisfied You as Much as Beating a Tough Level on Candy Crush

Most Money Spent on Extra Lives in Candy Crush

Lowest Amount of Money in Savings Account

Least Mirth

Most Days Late for Work

Least Days Feeling Remorseful for Tardiness

Most Times You’ve Uploaded and Deleted Selfie for Accumulated Likes

Times You’ve Forgotten Dates of Civil War and Had to  Look it Up

Heaviest Make Your Own Salad…It Was $18

Least Time Spent Writing When You Have Time to Write Even Though You Said You’d Be More Consistent

Most Skipped Yoga Classes

Greatest Number of Times Your Boyfriend Has Had to Correct Your Pronunciation of a Common Word and You Yell at Him Even Though it Isn’t His Fault and He Just Wants You to Be Better But for Fucks Sake Man Not When I’m in the Middle of a Story About Childhood Trauma

Greatest Propensity to Think Poorly of Yourself Even Though You and Most Other People are Just Doing Their Best