Cipher

2-Down: ______ Stewart, queer actress you feel like you should be attracted to but aren’t.

ACROSS

5. The way your friends now hesitate before getting changed in front of you, even though it’s been years and you’ve held their hair back while they vomited cheap beer, seen them nude apart from heavy mascara and one sock, tucked them into your spare bed after their boyfriends cheated or threw vases or vacillated about having children just long enough to keep them on the hook forever. Your ex-husband’s insecurities about whether or not he exudes “feminine energy” now that he knows about your proclivities, your preferences, your oscillations; the way he considers all men angles and all women hourglasses and never once acknowledges that women, too, can be sharp, can be compass points and broken glass and slatted blades, stacked forever. (10) PROJECTION

7. One of the problems with divorce. Merged assets—once whisked together—are not so easily separated, much like the ingredients of a cake. Treasured memories and possessions divided into fractions. The career change you’ve been considering, now unsupported. (8) FINANCES

9. It’s not just a river in Egypt! (6) DENIAL

10. Start with a compliment. Progress with your name, written in foam, backlit by chocolate sprinkles. Advance into regular hugs. Climax with a stolen kiss, no heavier than a shadow. What’s necessary, in order to move forward. (7) EMBRACE

DOWN

1. The color of stasis. A stolid refusal to upturn your entire life. Cowardice, in the face of reality. (6) PURPLE? ORANGE? YELLOW

2. ______ Stewart, queer actress you feel like you should be attracted to but aren’t. (6) LAUREN?

3. Times you’ve cried listening to “Body and Mind” by Girl in Red. (3, 8) ONE THOUSAND

4. Therapy, peeling back years of repression, unwinding your skin like a mottled orange; compartmentalization is grainy-sweet, tempting in the same way as taking the first bite of someone else’s birthday cake—you shouldn’t, but god, wouldn’t it taste so fucking good to bite into a fresh landscape? You want to say those words back to your girlfriend, the words she makes a gift of—not showy, or ostentatious, but a gift nonetheless—to make a trophy of your tongue, to hammer gold into curved, melodic notes and spread them on the floor like stepping stones into your chest. You can’t, not yet. But you will. (10) INEVITABLE

6. Consider the possibility of leaving your husband. Daydream about that pretty green-eyed barista with the long blonde hair. Contemplate what people might say when they gossip about you. Think about doing it anyway. (6) PONDER? WONDER

8. Penguin flesh. Icebergs as metaphors for queer microaggressions; guys leering at your held hands on the street, catcalling as if you’re nothing more than two sock puppets pushing your dry-heel empty-mouths together for their entertainment and pleasure. Your new girlfriend’s feet during the night. Your ex-mother-in-law’s smile. (7) GLACIAL

9. War among the gods. Conflict between duty and dreams. Also: a place where you can organize political protests and share information about new Kate Winslet movies and cute memes and engagement photos you once thought impossible. (7) DISCORD